Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
