Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
