they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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