I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is my gift to your gina
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
