Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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