nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
