I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men