she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.