So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
