I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And then my night got REAL pukey
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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