Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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