The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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