I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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