I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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