this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
