i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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