She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
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I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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