I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
