I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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