I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..