She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you didnt know i had herpes?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
