I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
