she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
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Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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