Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
