Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
