Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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