Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
