I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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