For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
