So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
