Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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