i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
2020 sucks, I want a refund
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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