i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
