I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
