I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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