I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
