i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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