I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
