even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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