Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
