the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
