Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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