I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
