i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
