Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
