I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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