I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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