Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
