Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
