So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
