sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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