If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
whose parrot is this?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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