I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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