i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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