Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
