I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the barista slut.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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