Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
