Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
