I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
