My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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